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Tuesday, June 5, 2012

Tapping

Not the best blogger-but wanted to share some hope for those of you who might not have any now. The last 2 months have not been a lot of fun, many more rages, her room emptied of everything that could be a weapon, the picking of walls down to the sheetrock, the odor of pee now seeping out of her room.......knowing the school year was coming to an end (meaning 24/7 with a child who was getting much more aggressive).....pediatrician recommend us to seek a psychiatrist to prescribe meds for anger...the top pediatric psychs were not taking new patients...made an appointment with one who was super concerned that we had not brought our child with us but was quick to offer 2-3 drugs he would recommend....pretty much feeling a lot of hopelessness. We were trying everything we could to help our child and felt like the world was against us.

Enter the amazing Lisa who kept encouraging me to try tapping. So encouraging that we set a video date for the last day of school to have tapping session #1. J fully participated and a few times we could tell the statements really struck a cord with her. Night 1 and all of day 2 she had a lot of anger towards me both in looks, words and actions. I was thinking geez so much for trying something new, we have now added to our problems, ugh. Back to the hopelessness....but I wasn't going to give up that easy.

Day 3 tapping script #1 (3 times in a row-because that's how many times I think it took for her) when she finishes the morning tapping session-"Wow Mom.....that is so awesome......my heart is like.......is like......SO CALM"  (HAPPY DANCE BY MOMMA!) She has said that statement many times after tapping and is truly the calmest I have ever seen her.

Script #1: Even tho people in my past taught me that I'm unloveable, my mom loves me
Even tho people in my past taught me the world is scary and bad, my mom will keep me safe.
Even tho my heart is broken, my mom can help me heal it.
Even tho I think my mom doesn’t love me if she’s not looking at me, she totally loves me no matter where she’s looking or even if she’s not with me.
Even tho I’m trying to show my mom that I got hurt in the middle of the night, she loves me and understands.
Even tho I feel stupid and less than, I’m a bright kid.
I can choose to play smart.
I can let others see how smart I am.
Even tho I love to throw fits my mom loves me.
Even tho I’m jealous of my siblings my mom loves me just as much as them.
Even tho my heart hurts so bad I think it will be broken forever, my mom totally loves me.
Even tho the night is so scary for me because bad things happened, my mom knows and she’ll keep me safe.
Even tho I push my mom away and won’t hug her, she knows why I act like I do and hears my pain.
Even tho the pain and fear is so great, my mom accepts me right where I am right now.
Even tho bad memories of the night scare me, my mom will keep me safe.
Even tho I pee to protect myself I’m a great kid.
I can pee anywhere I want to and my mom will totally love me.
I can choose to pee in an appropriate place or not.  My mom will love me no matter where I put my pee.
Even tho letting go of my anger and fear is so scary, my mom will help me if I let her.
Even tho I'm afraid I'm the only one in the world that's been hurt so bad, I know there are other kids, hurt, just like me.
Even tho I carry so much shame, my mom loves me just like I am.
Even tho I carry all this shame and all these secrets my mom totally loves me and will keep me safe.
Even tho I'm terrified to let anyone in my heart, my mom will keep me safe and my heart is safe with her.
Even tho I hate change and my schedule is changing a lot and it makes me very scared, my mom knows and will keep me safe.
Even tho these new changes scare me I can choose to be brave and have fun because I deserve to have fun.
Even tho terrible things happened to me in the middle of the night and no was there to protect me, my mom will protect me now and I am safe.
Someday I will clear the fear,
the pain,
the hurt,
the anger,
the shame
Maybe I'll choose to clear some to today
Maybe I'll choose to clear some tomorrow.
I can keep the pain as long as I want.
Or I can choose to do something different.
Either way my family will still love me even if I don't love myself.
I'm okay just as I am right now.  
My mom will wait for me
If I need help my mom will help me if I let her.
I can choose to let mom help me.
Today I can choose to let my mom hug me and I can hug her too because I am brave.
Because love is stronger than fear.
Today I might let my mom see my real heart.  Just a little bit of my real heart.
Just for today I will let a little pain out and let just a little bit of love in.
I'm okay just as I am and my mom will wait on me to feel safe.
I’m letting go of the fear 
Letting go of the fear of nighttime
Realizing I’m safe now.
Letting go of the anger
Letting go of the shame
Letting go of the hurt
Letting go of the pee, I don’t need it anymore because my mom will keep me safe.  I can trust her to keep me safe always.
Letting go of being jealous of my siblings and others.
There is enough love for me.
There will always be enough love for me.
Love is always stronger than fear.
I’m safe.
I’m safe.
I’m safe.
In body, mind and spirit.
By Day 4 and 5 J was using her words to express her self, there had still been no anger outbursts or rages. She was using words when she was frustrated, scared, confused..... We were tapping within 30 minutes of waking up, sometime in the afternoon and again in the evening. Same script, still about 3 times each setting. Her only complaint "Mom, I'm tired of all your 'even tho-ing'..." My response "Even tho you are tired momma's even tho-ing, you're a great kid" :-) I have been receiving  a lot more genuine hugs throughout the day. She has been able to play with her siblings with out stick poking too! I have also been prescribing her to pee specifically in my brand new car in over 17 years-wow that was a bit tough to say the first few times BUT no pee!
Day 7 new script: Even tho people in my past taught me that I'm unlovable, my mom loves me 
Even tho people in my past taught me the world is scary and bad, my mom will keep me safe.
Even tho my heart is broken, my mom can help me heal it.
Even tho I think my mom doesn’t love me if she’s not looking at me, she totally loves me no matter where she’s looking or even if she’s not with me.
Even tho I’m trying to show my mom that I got hurt in the middle of the night, she loves me and understands.
Even tho I feel stupid and less than, I’m a bright kid.
I can choose to play smart.
I can let others see how smart I am.
Even tho I love to throw fits my mom loves me.
Even tho I’m jealous of my siblings my mom loves me just as much as them.
Even tho my heart hurts so bad I think it will be broken forever, my mom totally loves me.
Even tho the night is so scary for me because bad things happened, my mom knows and she’ll keep me safe.
Even tho I push my mom away and won’t hug her, she knows why I act like I do and hears my pain.
Even tho the pain and fear is so great, my mom accepts me right where I am right now.
Even tho bad memories of the night scare me, my mom will keep me safe.
Even tho I pee to protect myself I’m a great kid.
I can pee anywhere I want to and my mom will totally love me.
I can choose to pee in an appropriate place or not.  My mom will love me no matter where I put my pee.
Even tho letting go of my anger and fear is so scary, my mom will help me if I let her.
Even tho I'm afraid I'm the only one in the world that's been hurt so bad, I know there are other kids, hurt, just like me.
Even tho I carry so much shame, my mom loves me just like I am.
Even tho I carry all this shame and all these secrets my mom totally loves me and will keep me safe.
Even tho I'm terrified to let anyone in my heart, my mom will keep me safe and my heart is safe with her.
Even tho I hate change and my schedule is changing a lot and it makes me very scared, my mom knows and will keep me safe.
Even tho these new changes scare me I can choose to be brave and have fun because I deserve to have fun.
Even tho terrible things happened to me in the middle of the night and no was there to protect me, my mom will protect me now and I am safe.
Someday I will clear the fear,
the pain,
the hurt,
the anger,
the shame
Maybe I'll choose to clear some to today
Maybe I'll choose to clear some tomorrow.
I can keep the pain as long as I want.
Or I can choose to do something different.
Either way my family will still love me even if I don't love myself.
I'm okay just as I am right now.  
My mom will wait for me
If I need help my mom will help me if I let her.
I can choose to let mom help me.
Today I can choose to let my mom hug me and I can hug her too because I am brave.
Because love is stronger than fear.
Today I might let my mom see my real heart.  Just a little bit of my real heart.
Just for today I will let a little pain out and let just a little bit of love in.
I'm okay just as I am and my mom will wait on me to feel safe.
I’m letting go of the fear 
Letting go of the fear of nighttime
Realizing I’m safe now.
Letting go of the anger
Letting go of the shame
Letting go of the hurt
Letting go of the pee, I don’t need it anymore because my mom will keep me safe.  I can trust her to keep me safe always.
Letting go of being jealous of my siblings and others.
There is enough love for me.
There will always be enough love for me.
Love is always stronger than fear.
I’m safe.
I’m safe.
I’m safe.
In body, mind and spirit.
Wow did this script 'hit home' so much so that she asked to only tap with script #1. My response-you can tap with script #1 right after script #2. Still no rages, no bedtime craziness. I am simply in awe of living with a different child! A child that is so regulated, calm, getting along with her siblings-her siblings are even enjoying playing with her for more than the usual 5-10minutes because she is no longer driving them crazy.

Day 11: Swimming with another mom and her 4 kiddos, Mom says "J is playing with just our kids....she usually is making friends with strangers and trying to be all over the pool....she hasn't talked to a single stranger" WOW! Love having friends who can make honest observations! My girl has changes so much in the last week and half I am simply in awe! If you have not tried tapping I highly suggest it, seriously what do you have to lose?! And I bet if you ask real nice an amazing momma like Lisa will help you get started. 

Oh how refreshed my soul is!

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