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Tuesday, June 5, 2012

Tapping

Not the best blogger-but wanted to share some hope for those of you who might not have any now. The last 2 months have not been a lot of fun, many more rages, her room emptied of everything that could be a weapon, the picking of walls down to the sheetrock, the odor of pee now seeping out of her room.......knowing the school year was coming to an end (meaning 24/7 with a child who was getting much more aggressive).....pediatrician recommend us to seek a psychiatrist to prescribe meds for anger...the top pediatric psychs were not taking new patients...made an appointment with one who was super concerned that we had not brought our child with us but was quick to offer 2-3 drugs he would recommend....pretty much feeling a lot of hopelessness. We were trying everything we could to help our child and felt like the world was against us.

Enter the amazing Lisa who kept encouraging me to try tapping. So encouraging that we set a video date for the last day of school to have tapping session #1. J fully participated and a few times we could tell the statements really struck a cord with her. Night 1 and all of day 2 she had a lot of anger towards me both in looks, words and actions. I was thinking geez so much for trying something new, we have now added to our problems, ugh. Back to the hopelessness....but I wasn't going to give up that easy.

Day 3 tapping script #1 (3 times in a row-because that's how many times I think it took for her) when she finishes the morning tapping session-"Wow Mom.....that is so awesome......my heart is like.......is like......SO CALM"  (HAPPY DANCE BY MOMMA!) She has said that statement many times after tapping and is truly the calmest I have ever seen her.

Script #1: Even tho people in my past taught me that I'm unloveable, my mom loves me
Even tho people in my past taught me the world is scary and bad, my mom will keep me safe.
Even tho my heart is broken, my mom can help me heal it.
Even tho I think my mom doesn’t love me if she’s not looking at me, she totally loves me no matter where she’s looking or even if she’s not with me.
Even tho I’m trying to show my mom that I got hurt in the middle of the night, she loves me and understands.
Even tho I feel stupid and less than, I’m a bright kid.
I can choose to play smart.
I can let others see how smart I am.
Even tho I love to throw fits my mom loves me.
Even tho I’m jealous of my siblings my mom loves me just as much as them.
Even tho my heart hurts so bad I think it will be broken forever, my mom totally loves me.
Even tho the night is so scary for me because bad things happened, my mom knows and she’ll keep me safe.
Even tho I push my mom away and won’t hug her, she knows why I act like I do and hears my pain.
Even tho the pain and fear is so great, my mom accepts me right where I am right now.
Even tho bad memories of the night scare me, my mom will keep me safe.
Even tho I pee to protect myself I’m a great kid.
I can pee anywhere I want to and my mom will totally love me.
I can choose to pee in an appropriate place or not.  My mom will love me no matter where I put my pee.
Even tho letting go of my anger and fear is so scary, my mom will help me if I let her.
Even tho I'm afraid I'm the only one in the world that's been hurt so bad, I know there are other kids, hurt, just like me.
Even tho I carry so much shame, my mom loves me just like I am.
Even tho I carry all this shame and all these secrets my mom totally loves me and will keep me safe.
Even tho I'm terrified to let anyone in my heart, my mom will keep me safe and my heart is safe with her.
Even tho I hate change and my schedule is changing a lot and it makes me very scared, my mom knows and will keep me safe.
Even tho these new changes scare me I can choose to be brave and have fun because I deserve to have fun.
Even tho terrible things happened to me in the middle of the night and no was there to protect me, my mom will protect me now and I am safe.
Someday I will clear the fear,
the pain,
the hurt,
the anger,
the shame
Maybe I'll choose to clear some to today
Maybe I'll choose to clear some tomorrow.
I can keep the pain as long as I want.
Or I can choose to do something different.
Either way my family will still love me even if I don't love myself.
I'm okay just as I am right now.  
My mom will wait for me
If I need help my mom will help me if I let her.
I can choose to let mom help me.
Today I can choose to let my mom hug me and I can hug her too because I am brave.
Because love is stronger than fear.
Today I might let my mom see my real heart.  Just a little bit of my real heart.
Just for today I will let a little pain out and let just a little bit of love in.
I'm okay just as I am and my mom will wait on me to feel safe.
I’m letting go of the fear 
Letting go of the fear of nighttime
Realizing I’m safe now.
Letting go of the anger
Letting go of the shame
Letting go of the hurt
Letting go of the pee, I don’t need it anymore because my mom will keep me safe.  I can trust her to keep me safe always.
Letting go of being jealous of my siblings and others.
There is enough love for me.
There will always be enough love for me.
Love is always stronger than fear.
I’m safe.
I’m safe.
I’m safe.
In body, mind and spirit.
By Day 4 and 5 J was using her words to express her self, there had still been no anger outbursts or rages. She was using words when she was frustrated, scared, confused..... We were tapping within 30 minutes of waking up, sometime in the afternoon and again in the evening. Same script, still about 3 times each setting. Her only complaint "Mom, I'm tired of all your 'even tho-ing'..." My response "Even tho you are tired momma's even tho-ing, you're a great kid" :-) I have been receiving  a lot more genuine hugs throughout the day. She has been able to play with her siblings with out stick poking too! I have also been prescribing her to pee specifically in my brand new car in over 17 years-wow that was a bit tough to say the first few times BUT no pee!
Day 7 new script: Even tho people in my past taught me that I'm unlovable, my mom loves me 
Even tho people in my past taught me the world is scary and bad, my mom will keep me safe.
Even tho my heart is broken, my mom can help me heal it.
Even tho I think my mom doesn’t love me if she’s not looking at me, she totally loves me no matter where she’s looking or even if she’s not with me.
Even tho I’m trying to show my mom that I got hurt in the middle of the night, she loves me and understands.
Even tho I feel stupid and less than, I’m a bright kid.
I can choose to play smart.
I can let others see how smart I am.
Even tho I love to throw fits my mom loves me.
Even tho I’m jealous of my siblings my mom loves me just as much as them.
Even tho my heart hurts so bad I think it will be broken forever, my mom totally loves me.
Even tho the night is so scary for me because bad things happened, my mom knows and she’ll keep me safe.
Even tho I push my mom away and won’t hug her, she knows why I act like I do and hears my pain.
Even tho the pain and fear is so great, my mom accepts me right where I am right now.
Even tho bad memories of the night scare me, my mom will keep me safe.
Even tho I pee to protect myself I’m a great kid.
I can pee anywhere I want to and my mom will totally love me.
I can choose to pee in an appropriate place or not.  My mom will love me no matter where I put my pee.
Even tho letting go of my anger and fear is so scary, my mom will help me if I let her.
Even tho I'm afraid I'm the only one in the world that's been hurt so bad, I know there are other kids, hurt, just like me.
Even tho I carry so much shame, my mom loves me just like I am.
Even tho I carry all this shame and all these secrets my mom totally loves me and will keep me safe.
Even tho I'm terrified to let anyone in my heart, my mom will keep me safe and my heart is safe with her.
Even tho I hate change and my schedule is changing a lot and it makes me very scared, my mom knows and will keep me safe.
Even tho these new changes scare me I can choose to be brave and have fun because I deserve to have fun.
Even tho terrible things happened to me in the middle of the night and no was there to protect me, my mom will protect me now and I am safe.
Someday I will clear the fear,
the pain,
the hurt,
the anger,
the shame
Maybe I'll choose to clear some to today
Maybe I'll choose to clear some tomorrow.
I can keep the pain as long as I want.
Or I can choose to do something different.
Either way my family will still love me even if I don't love myself.
I'm okay just as I am right now.  
My mom will wait for me
If I need help my mom will help me if I let her.
I can choose to let mom help me.
Today I can choose to let my mom hug me and I can hug her too because I am brave.
Because love is stronger than fear.
Today I might let my mom see my real heart.  Just a little bit of my real heart.
Just for today I will let a little pain out and let just a little bit of love in.
I'm okay just as I am and my mom will wait on me to feel safe.
I’m letting go of the fear 
Letting go of the fear of nighttime
Realizing I’m safe now.
Letting go of the anger
Letting go of the shame
Letting go of the hurt
Letting go of the pee, I don’t need it anymore because my mom will keep me safe.  I can trust her to keep me safe always.
Letting go of being jealous of my siblings and others.
There is enough love for me.
There will always be enough love for me.
Love is always stronger than fear.
I’m safe.
I’m safe.
I’m safe.
In body, mind and spirit.
Wow did this script 'hit home' so much so that she asked to only tap with script #1. My response-you can tap with script #1 right after script #2. Still no rages, no bedtime craziness. I am simply in awe of living with a different child! A child that is so regulated, calm, getting along with her siblings-her siblings are even enjoying playing with her for more than the usual 5-10minutes because she is no longer driving them crazy.

Day 11: Swimming with another mom and her 4 kiddos, Mom says "J is playing with just our kids....she usually is making friends with strangers and trying to be all over the pool....she hasn't talked to a single stranger" WOW! Love having friends who can make honest observations! My girl has changes so much in the last week and half I am simply in awe! If you have not tried tapping I highly suggest it, seriously what do you have to lose?! And I bet if you ask real nice an amazing momma like Lisa will help you get started. 

Oh how refreshed my soul is!

Sunday, May 8, 2011

Mother's Day

Poor neglected blog, leave it up to 'Mother's Day' to get me to writing. So for all of you other mothers parenting a kiddo who has survived trauma, know that this lovely day that is intended to honor, spoil, lift up, pamper, appreciate...('ya know be thanked for all the stuff you do as mom that usually go unnoticed) we know this day usually brings out the 'ugly'. Often Mother's Day leaves mom feeling anything but 'loved'.

In a typical family (whatever that looks like) there are often moms whose hearts ache on this day too. There was a very wise friend who once told me "Expectations are premeditated disappointments" (READ IT AGAIN) I indeed hope/expect for my birthday and mother's day to be 'special' for whatever that means. I am blessed with an amazing husband who loves me dearly and at least 3 children who love being my child.....yet there is still a small, controlled expectation that on these 2 days I will be treated 'special'.

All that to say for the last 24 hours I have tried a new approach with our RADish, who likes to sabotage anyones special day. I have been giving her permission, encouraging, even giving her ideas on how to 'ruin' my mother's day. I know it is working a bit because I have received many shocked looks, a few smiles (like how did you know what I was thinking) and a lot less stick poking. Have things been great-by all means no. I had to leave church service with her this morning, she is being incredibly disrespecting full of eye rolls and hateful comments....yet my EXPECTATION was for the worst in her efforts in sabotaging the day. I expected to have her attempt in every way possible to ruin my day, so because my approach was different so was my attitude. I firmly agree with my wise friend- when your expectations are too high you are often sadly disappointed. However, when you expect the worst you are often surprised that its not that bad and are fully prepared for the worst therefor enjoy the 'not so bad'.

This Mother's Day I have armed myself with a positive attitude and have enjoyed the day-loved the little gifts/cards my children made for me. I have also made up some new words to a song just to remind myself and my Radish just how much I love her and am glad God has chosen me to be her forever Mommy. (maybe I'll post the song/lyrics for the next post sooner than a month) Hoping your Mother's Day has been full of blessings and your eyes/heart have been able to enjoy them :-)

Thursday, March 31, 2011

Three 'good days' so I was told

On the way to school today, our RADish asked if she could invite some friends, teachers, church folks over to watch her dance. My response-"You mean like a recital?" She said "Yes-and I could dress up and they could too." The whole reason this 'recital' idea has come about is because our oldest is in ballet and jazz and is preparing for her recital in about 6 weeks. Our Radish is an AMAZING dancer, however participating in a dance class(extra curricular activity) is too much for her. We tried last year and paid for dance tuition each month, costume fees, and recital fees only to have her sitting next to us in the audience while her sisters danced on stage. I would LOVE for her to be able to participate, would love for her to be able to show her God given talent to the world....but not at the cost of the craziness that comes with it. This school year we decided that school was enough 'away' time from mom and dad. Overall, I think that it has helped or at least not made things worse.
So back to this morning-I said "It sounds to me like you would really like to be dancing on the stage like you sister. (To which she smiled a bit) Do you know why you will not be on stage during her recital?" She says "Yes, I don't listen and obey to my teacher and I am disrespectful....means I can't do dance class.....but (very excited) Mom, I have had three good days in a row!"
"Yes, you have! I can't wait to see how many more you will choose to have."

Saturday, March 26, 2011

Blessings

What if your blessings come thru raindrops
What if your healing comes thru tears
What if a thousand sleepless nights are what it takes to know you are near
What if trials of this life are your mercies in disguise......


As if every promise from your word is not enough....you hear every plea.....if only we would have faith to believe. The pain reminds this heart that this is not my home. What if my greatest disappoints, the trials of this life... reveal something greater...your blessings.

When the days are filled with just a bit too much RAD crap or perhaps I just don't have the energy to be on my 'A game', when my attitude is everything but desirable, when I am throwing myself a pity party.....this song reminds me that I indeed have a Father who not only hears my cries but He knows my heart, He is powerful and mighty-He is God not I.....so I don't always understand why there is not healing where we want it, why there is brokeness when we desire anything but...sometimes what I want is not what I need....but I never doubt that He loves me, He cares for me, He is holding me, and He will never leave me, ever. Praying to see His blessings in any form they come.

Tuesday, March 22, 2011

Ever hug a Big Toe

Bedtime has always been so easy at our house, of course that changed a bit when our Radish came home, but overall it has still been fairly easy. This is one of her favorite times to rage but doesn't happen often. I know so many of you struggle nightly with bedtime routines, I am counting my blessings. Tonight she was not wanting to 'obey' she was wanting to 'fight' and I didn't have it in me. My husband has been out of town and I am tired. Instead of screaming and losing my cool which would have been so easy to do (at least for the moment) I made the conscience decision to be silly. Not crazy, which is so mush easier for me.
Wow, silly worked! And worked well.
I leaned down in her bed to hug and kiss her goodnight like I do every night. Sometimes this is when she chooses to kick me or shove me. She had not laid down yet and hugged my arm. Seriously child....hugging my arm.....that is not how we hug in our family, nor has she ever done that before. I knew it was just one more stick poking thing she was trying to send me over the edge with. But I chose SILLY and said with a little giggle "Wow, that felt different.....I wonder how it would feel hugging my big toe?" and proceeded to bring my foot up on her bed. She laughed and said "Gross, why would I want to do that?" To which I responded with a big smile "I don't know, you seemed to enjoy hugging my arm instead of me...thought you might like hugging my big toe too"
She made eye contact, smiled and lunged toward my torso for a real hug. Doing a little nanny-nanny-boo-boo dance in my brain.
Blow up, fight, struggle....all gone. Left the room with smiles on both of our faces tonight as I closed her door. Rejoicing in the little things :-)

Sunday, March 20, 2011

Come For Me


(song doesn't start until 18 seconds or so in)
Not Sleeping. This song keeps playing in my head, so I thought I would share. Hope it brings a bit of comfort and peace to you, too.

Saturday, March 19, 2011

Date Night

Both my husband and I make a point to take each child out on 'dates'. Whether that is a full fledge evening out or trip to get dessert, we make a point to get one on one time with each of them. At times with four this can be a bit challenging, but is always rewarding. This evening though is a first for date night with three minus our kiddo with RAD. This past week has been rough. The kids have been out of school for Spring Break, and because we just took a family vacation last month we decided to stay home and be lazy this week. The lazy part-staying in pj's, reading books, rarely leaving the house has been wonderful. The 24/7 time with the stick poking queen....well not so nice. I have tried to be the most therapeutic parent as possible, to help her stay in control, to shrink her world, kept her by my side (literally) all week. Dad took off work yesterday afternoon to take us out to lunch and spend the afternoon bowling (all the kids had asked to do this spring break). Apparently this little family fun afternoon was just enough to send her over the edge. Friday night and today have just been no fun at all. She has spent most of her time trying to hurt me-in some fashion or another. Our other three have been in shock and are angry their sibling has thrown things at mom and are pretty much done with the rudeness and disrespect.
So tonight we asked a friend who has been beyond helpful/understanding to keep her while we have a date night with our other three. To my surprise the other three were a bit torn. They were excited to be getting a break, but really struggle with leaving a sibling out. Makes my heart happy to know that even though she is driving them crazy, they are frustrated with her, they are tired of being poked with a stick....they love her, want her to join in the family date night, and are sad she is missing out. Amazing our children our, all of them.

UPDATE: We had a wonderful time! So did she. We kept her very close today and even had some one on one time with just her and Mom and Dad.