Mother's Day

Poor neglected blog, leave it up to 'Mother's Day' to get me to writing. So for all of you other mothers parenting a kiddo who has survived trauma, know that this lovely day that is intended to honor, spoil, lift up, pamper, appreciate...('ya know be thanked for all the stuff you do as mom that usually go unnoticed) we know this day usually brings out the 'ugly'. Often Mother's Day leaves mom feeling anything but 'loved'.

In a typical family (whatever that looks like) there are often moms whose hearts ache on this day too. There was a very wise friend who once told me "Expectations are premeditated disappointments" (READ IT AGAIN) I indeed hope/expect for my birthday and mother's day to be 'special' for whatever that means. I am blessed with an amazing husband who loves me dearly and at least 3 children who love being my child.....yet there is still a small, controlled expectation that on these 2 days I will be treated 'special'.

All that to say for the last 24 hours I have tried a new approach with our RADish, who likes to sabotage anyones special day. I have been giving her permission, encouraging, even giving her ideas on how to 'ruin' my mother's day. I know it is working a bit because I have received many shocked looks, a few smiles (like how did you know what I was thinking) and a lot less stick poking. Have things been great-by all means no. I had to leave church service with her this morning, she is being incredibly disrespecting full of eye rolls and hateful comments....yet my EXPECTATION was for the worst in her efforts in sabotaging the day. I expected to have her attempt in every way possible to ruin my day, so because my approach was different so was my attitude. I firmly agree with my wise friend- when your expectations are too high you are often sadly disappointed. However, when you expect the worst you are often surprised that its not that bad and are fully prepared for the worst therefor enjoy the 'not so bad'.

This Mother's Day I have armed myself with a positive attitude and have enjoyed the day-loved the little gifts/cards my children made for me. I have also made up some new words to a song just to remind myself and my Radish just how much I love her and am glad God has chosen me to be her forever Mommy. (maybe I'll post the song/lyrics for the next post sooner than a month) Hoping your Mother's Day has been full of blessings and your eyes/heart have been able to enjoy them :-)

Three 'good days' so I was told

On the way to school today, our RADish asked if she could invite some friends, teachers, church folks over to watch her dance. My response-"You mean like a recital?" She said "Yes-and I could dress up and they could too." The whole reason this 'recital' idea has come about is because our oldest is in ballet and jazz and is preparing for her recital in about 6 weeks. Our Radish is an AMAZING dancer, however participating in a dance class(extra curricular activity) is too much for her. We tried last year and paid for dance tuition each month, costume fees, and recital fees only to have her sitting next to us in the audience while her sisters danced on stage. I would LOVE for her to be able to participate, would love for her to be able to show her God given talent to the world....but not at the cost of the craziness that comes with it. This school year we decided that school was enough 'away' time from mom and dad. Overall, I think that it has helped or at least not made things worse.

So back to this morning-I said "It sounds to me like you would really like to be dancing on the stage like you sister. (To which she smiled a bit) Do you know why you will not be on stage during her recital?" She says "Yes, I don't listen and obey to my teacher and I am disrespectful....means I can't do dance class.....but (very excited) Mom, I have had three good days in a row!"

"Yes, you have! I can't wait to see how many more you will choose to have."

Blessings

What if your blessings come thru raindrops

What if your healing comes thru tears

What if a thousand sleepless nights are what it takes to know you are near

What if trials of this life are your mercies in disguise......

As if every promise from your word is not enough....you hear every plea.....if only we would have faith to believe. The pain reminds this heart that this is not my home. What if my greatest disappoints, the trials of this life... reveal something greater...your blessings.

When the days are filled with just a bit too much RAD crap or perhaps I just don't have the energy to be on my 'A game', when my attitude is everything but desirable, when I am throwing myself a pity party.....this song reminds me that I indeed have a Father who not only hears my cries but He knows my heart, He is powerful and mighty-He is God not I.....so I don't always understand why there is not healing where we want it, why there is brokeness when we desire anything but...sometimes what I want is not what I need....but I never doubt that He loves me, He cares for me, He is holding me, and He will never leave me, ever. Praying to see His blessings in any form they come.

Ever hug a Big Toe

Bedtime has always been so easy at our house, of course that changed a bit when our Radish came home, but overall it has still been fairly easy. This is one of her favorite times to rage but doesn't happen often. I know so many of you struggle nightly with bedtime routines, I am counting my blessings. Tonight she was not wanting to 'obey' she was wanting to 'fight' and I didn't have it in me. My husband has been out of town and I am tired. Instead of screaming and losing my cool which would have been so easy to do (at least for the moment) I made the conscience decision to be silly. Not crazy, which is so mush easier for me.

Wow, silly worked! And worked well.

I leaned down in her bed to hug and kiss her goodnight like I do every night. Sometimes this is when she chooses to kick me or shove me. She had not laid down yet and hugged my arm. Seriously child....hugging my arm.....that is not how we hug in our family, nor has she ever done that before. I knew it was just one more stick poking thing she was trying to send me over the edge with. But I chose SILLY and said with a little giggle "Wow, that felt different.....I wonder how it would feel hugging my big toe?" and proceeded to bring my foot up on her bed. She laughed and said "Gross, why would I want to do that?" To which I responded with a big smile "I don't know, you seemed to enjoy hugging my arm instead of me...thought you might like hugging my big toe too"

She made eye contact, smiled and lunged toward my torso for a real hug. Doing a little nanny-nanny-boo-boo dance in my brain.

Blow up, fight, struggle....all gone. Left the room with smiles on both of our faces tonight as I closed her door. Rejoicing in the little things :-)

Come For Me

(song doesn't start until 18 seconds or so in)

Not Sleeping. This song keeps playing in my head, so I thought I would share. Hope it brings a bit of comfort and peace to you, too.

Date Night

Both my husband and I make a point to take each child out on 'dates'. Whether that is a full fledge evening out or trip to get dessert, we make a point to get one on one time with each of them. At times with four this can be a bit challenging, but is always rewarding. This evening though is a first for date night with three minus our kiddo with RAD. This past week has been rough. The kids have been out of school for Spring Break, and because we just took a family vacation last month we decided to stay home and be lazy this week. The lazy part-staying in pj's, reading books, rarely leaving the house has been wonderful. The 24/7 time with the stick poking queen....well not so nice. I have tried to be the most therapeutic parent as possible, to help her stay in control, to shrink her world, kept her by my side (literally) all week. Dad took off work yesterday afternoon to take us out to lunch and spend the afternoon bowling (all the kids had asked to do this spring break). Apparently this little family fun afternoon was just enough to send her over the edge. Friday night and today have just been no fun at all. She has spent most of her time trying to hurt me-in some fashion or another. Our other three have been in shock and are angry their sibling has thrown things at mom and are pretty much done with the rudeness and disrespect.

So tonight we asked a friend who has been beyond helpful/understanding to keep her while we have a date night with our other three. To my surprise the other three were a bit torn. They were excited to be getting a break, but really struggle with leaving a sibling out. Makes my heart happy to know that even though she is driving them crazy, they are frustrated with her, they are tired of being poked with a stick....they love her, want her to join in the family date night, and are sad she is missing out. Amazing our children our, all of them.

UPDATE: We had a wonderful time! So did she. We kept her very close today and even had some one on one time with just her and Mom and Dad.

Stick Poking 101

I think I could teach a class on how to survive (meaning endure) this. Or at least share an idea or two to arm yourselves and your other children with. Stick poking: the constant annoying behaviors that seem quite 'normal' to any outsider but to those enduring they are like nails on the chalkboard. I am sure if you are parenting a kiddo with RAD you could easily list their stick poking behaviors and can tell others their current favorite stick of the day/week/month. Her current poker of choice,, especially to her siblings is laughter-at them, about them, when they are talking, eating, walking, sitting...for no reason at all. A laughter that is forced, done to make others feel bad about themselves, to make another uncomfortable or embarrassed. This has been her favorite stick for a few weeks, however I think the stick is almost broken because her siblings aren't bothered by it much anymore. Which sort of breaks my heart, yet I am thankful for their ability to see past the laughter and know it has nothing to do with them. They sort of smile now and look at her like 'nice try, you're stick is broke'.

They are now armed with-when someone is nervous/uncomfortable/embarrassed they might choose to laugh because that is easier at them instead of facing the 'big feeling' they are experiencing. So when they will be laughed at by classmates they hopefully won't be bothered by it, having the armor to deal with it.

Wonder which stick she will choose next....

Worth It

Heard a new song by Francesca Battistelli that I feel does a great job describing the love we have, especially for our trauma kiddos.

Worth It

Love’s not a feeling
Love’s not convenient
But I know love will change your life
Love takes sacrifice
Love cuts like a knife
Sometimes love will make you cry
Love’s not easy
But it’s worth it

Love is a hunger
But love won’t leave you empty
See it’s the language of the heart
Love can steal your pride
But love won’t let you hide
It takes everything you’ve got
Love’s not easy
But it’s worth it

(Chorus)
What you gonna do when the bottom falls out
And you’re left with nothing but your fear and your doubt to hold to
Who will hold you?
Where you gonna run when it’s all on the line
And you’re looking for someone to save your life
To save your life

Love can hear you
Love can heal you
If you let it inside
Oh, remember now
Love’s not easy
But it’s worth it

(Chorus)
What you gonna do when the bottom falls out
And you’re left with nothing but your fear and your doubt to hold to
Who’s gonna hold you?
Oh, where you gonna run when it’s all on the line
And you’re looking for someone to save your life
To save your life

Love can hear you
I know love will heal you
If you let it inside
Oh, remember now
Love’s not easy
But it’s worth it

When faced with the daily stick poking, the rages, the ugly behavior just for the sake of being ugly, the hurtful remarks by strangers and even worse family/friends...I choose love even when I don't feel like it, when it is anything but convenient, when more is sacrificed than I could have ever imagined and it indeed on somedays it takes E.V.E.R.Y.T.H.I.N.G. I've got.

Welcome!

I have decided to blog anonymously for the sake of helping others. Because I know the more 'real' I can be the more my posts might help, encourage bring hope to another parenting trauma. Because of where we live, our lives/jobs in the community, our children, our families....I feel this is the only way I can be brutally honest and real in the tough and ugly times. So ladies who know who I am please refrain from using our real names-please and thanks.

Looking forward to putting it all out there in hopes of helping our family and maybe yours.